Honestly I expected this movie to be Twilight without vampires. I was not disappointed. The main love interest could not have looked more like a wolfy Edward if he tried. And it had the same actor for the lead lady’s father, just in case the transition felt a bit strained. What is this I see before me, a love triangle? Now that’s keeping things fresh. Is the guy you want who makes your panties moist the dark and mysterious guy and not the nice guy, I did not see that one coming. At least in this movie, unlike in the grotesque piece of fiction called Twilight and its ill begotten brood, the connection between the two lovers makes sense. A lifelong secret romance is far more feasible that locking eyes from across the dining hall and having a crisis in your undergarments. However the character of “unmistakable smell” makes an appearance for the sake of hardcore fan service. Darn it, I’m evening listening to Florence and the Machine while writing this, for continuity.
Now let us judge this movie on its own merits. It’s pretty, I must give it that, but the trailer did make it look prettier than it really is. The movie does provide ample opportunities for you and your friends to argue mid stream who is the big bad and scary in the village, unless you’re the type of movie Nazi who jabs people just for coughing during a ‘cinematic experience’. The interpersonal drama is quite intoxicating and I found myself re-speculating on the identity of the wolf as new information came to light. And the wolf looks cool. I thought I would just put it out there. Normally I run towards the spoilers like a fat diabetic runs after a chocolate covered super model, but this is an ending I rather feel needs to be preserved. In this movie, like most I have come to watch, I ended up rooting for the bad guy, in this case the wolf. Mostly because I always like the big bad wolf, he’s just doing what wolves do, but mainly because the guy playing the helpful witch burner is very creepy, and has been in almost all the movies he’s ever been in (eg The Fifth Element and The Professional). Besides, who can identify with a guy who puts an autistic kid in a steel elephant and cooks him? Except you, freak. What are you even doing reading this review, aren’t you meant to be trolling 4chan or something. Rule 24 me, I dare you. Where was I, reviewing the movie, that’s right. If you like the twilight ‘saga’ *gag* then give this a gander with some tissues and about a liter of lube. If, however you have taste and agree that sparkling vampires are nothing more than places to warm your boots, then I suggest watching this movie as a drinking game. Every time you guess who the wolf is you consume and add to the cup. The person who guesses correctly gets to nominate who has the unfortunate duty of downing the putrid elixir. This will make the movie far more harrowing and I can guarantee that never before will such mutual civility be witnessed amongst friends. If only they drank in the Middle East, this would solve everything. I realise that I have started becoming offensive without appropriate focus so I think it is best that end this review right….here.
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