What is it with movies these days? Hot teens are vampires, hot teens are werewolves, hot teens are aliens, and hot teens are super heroes. Did an entire generation of sexually frustrated geeks and there fan fic’s become the toast of Tinsel-Town. Though I guess it makes senses. The socially inept escapists will speak for the pockets of today’s socially inept escapists. Though I can’t help but wonder why all the good guy aliens resemble humans the most, and the more evil they become, the more grotesque they get depicted. And in this case you could not get a more classic chiseled brooder unless you condensed The OC season one and two into an Edward Cullan mold. Of course the alien becomes the nerd’s best friend and stands up to the jocks on his behalf. I wonder what inspired this bit of narrative, I say unto you in a deeply sarcastic tone. Wait, let’s not forget that the vapid cheerleader is in fact deep and companionate, who turns introspective after she “gets into photography”. Is that in any way related to when a boy gets his first erection and he “gets into masturbation”. Maybe it’s like the way the catholic clergy “gets into Underage Boys”. How can we be sure, I know I’m still scratching my crotch on this one? Besides, I know many popular and gregarious photographers. It’s not as though having a camera makes you too cool to be cool. Watching too much anime and playing WOW does. And besides, who uses film these days, you’re not retro chic, you’re silly. Then again she is hot, but still silly.
But you have to feel somewhat bad for Number Quarto for having such a hard time with his puberty, [insert sarcastic tone]. Humans start having erections, masturbating and getting hairy palms; he starts having super powers, needs to learn how to breathe and gets hot glowing hands. By now movie makers should have realized that it’s not tragic to give a kid super powers and then impose restrictions. It’s as tragic as getting a car and telling someone they are not allowed to run over small children.
And one other quam I have with underdog movies, why are all quarter backs evil bastards. How about a malevolent linebacker, I sure they’re far more ferocious. But maybe it’s my fault for not being able to relate because I am not an American nor did I go to a public High School. In fact the school I went to was more supportive of the debate team than any sports team and a person’s status was defined by your anime collection.
Another gripe I have with this movie and those of its kin, why do they keep portraying teenage love as being eternal. I can understand that they are wearing hormone blinkers and have a small capacity for comparison or perspective. Even though I have always found young love a suitable substitute for ipecac, this movie has bigger problems, such as the foundation of the whole plot. If the last nine guardians, who were fully fledged and hardcore, could not stop their planets doom, why should we the audience, believe that the untrained and fledgling few would stand a chance of saving the world all by themselves. But hey, that’s fine, because we all love the rise of the underdogs, hiding from the law and those who would see them destroyed. The only problem is, I watched “Battle Los Angelis” right before this, and then before that, “Skyline” and “Transformers: Darkside of the Moon. I will get to those movies at another time, trust me, but there is something to be learned from those films. Humans have weapons, and lots of them. Gosh darn it we sure are good at killing things, we have been practicing on each other ever since we were able to throw a hefty rock. I get aroused just thumbing through a gun magazine. I don’t know what half the stats are about but they have to do with the awesomeness with which they kill things and fiddle me a Hill Billy, that’s hot. And In I Am Number Four, those aliens don’t have the Man nor Fire power to take on a South African Squatter camp. All the nine needed to do was give a Nigerien cartel a ton or two of gold and all their troubles would have been solved. Let’s not mention the nukes, smart bombs, hydrogen bombs, Special Forces. If aliens do decide to come to our planet looking for a fight I promise you one thing, every man in camo pants will spill their man seed into their freshly pressed draws. We would celebrate the chance to murder indiscriminately, pillage technology and invoke large scale genocide. We’re not nice in masses. Why then do we need five kids who can force push and blink a few feet. Hold on, now I remember, to give this generation of social introverts something to masturbate over and base their future escapist tails upon.
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