1) Fifty Cent is in the cast. Now I am not saying because a movie has a popular, and I use this term very lightly, artist in it it’s going to be bad, Justin Timberlake proved that. However, if we are to look at his previous forays in to other forms of consumable media, well they all blow more chunks than a bulimic who just downed a bottle of ipecac.
2) Fifty Cent’s bare ass humping an underage white virgin who is giving her body to the drug dealer for a hit. Now the ass I could handle, I sat through Bear City and Another Gay Movie without flinching once, but when coupled with such an atrocious cliché that fell out of a poorly written underground rap ballad, then I start to get a bit queasy
3) The narrator, who sounds familiar but I dare not look up his name, out of the morbid fear that I loose control of my kicking foot and it goes on a violent ball breaking spree. Honestly I can’t blame him for sounding so atrociously out of place that it induced violent shudders and a strong desire to be spooned by Carmen Electra instead of the brechtian vervreemdend effect. I blame the casting directors, who I fear may be women, another fact I was too bored to bother looking up, because then I could not punch them in their testicles.
4) The flashbacks, although only presenting the salient elements of the memories, which is in fact a clever way of presenting them, seemed a bit out of place for the more recent memories and eventually just felt cheap and lazy. It’s like the movie rocked up at a hippy party stoned with a tie dye shirt, leather pants, biker jacket and metal studs hollering “look at me, I’m arty but edgy but gritty but insightful and that makes me cool”. No, it makes you a schizotypal douchebag.
5) The premise, oh the premise. It’s a disjointed concoction that has elements of Catcher In The Rye, Requiem for a Dream, and many other clichés I struggle to recall due to my hangover. It feels like a middle class kid’s idea of what it’s like to be rich, but be hard and still have sufficient loss and suffering to justify their brooding disposition. This it does not pull off in the slightest. That’s it, the script writer is so going on my “to kick in the balls” list.
6) Cancer mom. The movie tries to present in the bleakness of her illness as juxtaposed to the memory of her by providing an angelic veil. This should make her enduring and tug at our little hearts as they weep “oh so sad, but oh, look how beautifully he remembers her suffering”. The actual result was me having a spit-take with my Mountain Dew and laughing at the creepy half alien creature comical represented on the screen. Maybe it’s a reason to in fact see the movie, but when the failure is taken in to context, it just makes the movie look cheap.
7) The hottest chick in school, because, well, she really is not that hot. I know I may have a strange taste in women, as well as recreational drugs, but come on guys, stand with me on this one. She isn’t all that, least of all a bag of chips. I mean, she’s okay, but nothing that would cause the entire campus to buckle at her whims. She must have some hidden talent that, many moons ago, robbed her of her gag reflex.
8) Its directed by the pice of T-rex poo who put nipples on Batman, Joel Shoemaker
9) The parties are silly
10) The character development is as believable as the story about me, the three FHM models and the crazy drug fueled orgy that lasted three days and four nights
11) I found throwing a ball against a wall and catching it more enthralling than the movie I was supposed to be watching.
12) I spent over six hundred and fifty words telling you not to.
IMDb
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