Tangled

Right. I am at work; it’s quiet, so I think to myself, why not pop in Tangled and see what it’s all about. There have been a myriad of fairytale reinterpretations, and surprisingly I have enjoyed quite a few of them. I wonder, will I face-palm, laugh, or leave sporadically for a smoke, hoping that the inescapable fear of impending cancer numbs me to the horror that is the film transpiring before my eyes.

And play. Yay, this DVD has fast play... Boo, trailers. Yes Disney, I get it, Blue-ray is just so much better, thanks for reminding my lower middle class ass that I can’t afford to watch your movies in all their intended glory.

Finally the movie
Wow, their 50th animated motion picture, and the narrator gives us a very American Beauty style declaration of death and tons of for shadowing. I might just end up enjoying the movie. A Hot blond, a cynical narrator, Stockholm syndrome, this might not be all bad. Hold on, this is Disney, something is missing. That’s right, singing about mundane events.
Ten seconds into meeting the narrator and I wish I was locked in a tower, waiting to be rescued. He’s so edgy and cool.
Is it me or is the evil witch who captured Rapunzel, well, aesthetically considered what is quint essentially Jewish. “Stay with mama, mama knows best”…. I so don’t hear a stereotype at all, do you?
Okay, the narrator is a self-absorbed prick, but I smell personal growth. Besides the movie has some great comical timing. Actually, the comical timing is rather fantastic.
PS: Go horse!
I am getting quite wrapped up in this movie; I’ll get back to you when it’s done.

[Insert rest of the movie’s events here]

Cheesy end credit music aside, I thoroughly enjoyed that movie, which I must admit, I did not intend to. As far as the creative use of hair, we have Indiana jones hair, bondage hair, ladder hair, hammock hair, ninja rope hair, swing-across-caverns hair, glow-when-I-sing hair, glow-makes-me-young hair, super-healing hair and color changing hair. Let me recap some of my favorite moments. The notion that Boys make girls disobey their mothers who are in fact trying to keep them hostage in order to maintain their own youth through their daughters. Yip, it makes sense. A choir of Grotesque thugs singing about their very non-masculine dreams that is so made of win I dare say it challenges Gaston’s barroom melody. No, really, I watched it three times in a row and laughed harder every time. Then there’s the characters strange awareness of the ridiculousness of the plot and its events. Over all I would say, watch this movie.

Now it’s time for the fun part, the rant. Don’t you just love the genetic determinism in Disney movies? Even though Rapunzel was raised by a witch in complete social isolation, constantly bombarded by tails of the outside world’s evil, she remained joyous, free spirited, well-adjusted and caring, In summary, epitomizing the ideal characteristics of a princess. Oh, but she’s bare foot, so she’s obviously down to earth and approachable, and not at all conceited, which they actually did a good job of characterizing but still, I mean really, don’t think we don’t see you for the foot fetishists you are Disney. *mumble, mumble, glass slipper, mumble*
Her hair so does not stay the same length… a petty gripe I know but I’m just warming up.
I knew there was this one thing that really made my skin crawl, what was it? That’s right; Rapunzel’s flash back to a moment as a baby, in full color, lying in a cot with the king and queen doting on her. I could believe the dog like horse wielding a sword; I could believe the sentient cummelian; but as far as a narrative cop out goes, that was just weak. I can almost imagine the writers sitting in a conference room with a pile of junk food, many cups of coffee and mountainous ashtrays, trying to figure out how she realizes that she is in fact the princess. Then, let’s call him Rape-Face-Tony, pipes up with a little jem like, “Hey, this is for kids right, and their not all that smart, right. Let’s just throw in a flash back, queue a confrontation and we can all go back to our hotel rooms and have fun with the underage hookers we have waiting for us”. To summarize in classic internet terminology, “epic face-palm”.
Also landing on the horse from a twenty story drop should have rendered him infertile and induced earth shattering pain. On the topic of horses, how did the horse call the thugs, and am I the only one would realized that as the chief of the guards he accepts bribes.

Honestly, from my perspective, the flaws of the movie were overshadowed by my enjoyment. In a time of great cynicism, critiques and hipsterism, sometimes is nice to just let your hair down and enjoy a movie with the illegitimate children you have tied up in the basement. I was hoping the imagery would distract from the horrible pun.

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