Now before I bend this movie over the proverbial barrel and do terrible things to it with my huge, quivering, satirical and analytical distain, let me quite clearly say I have nothing against low budget movies. “Bubba-ho-tep” and “Pieces of April” are among my favourite movies of all time, and they were done without the deep rhinestone pockets most Hollywood films waist on Michael Bane. I hear that the possibly upcoming Deadpool Movie will not be made on an epically huge budget, and that is just dandy by me. It gives them far more play with regards to target audience. With good acting, a strong scrip and smart directing, a lot can be done with a little. This movie, however, did nothing with what very little it had to start with. If someone tries to tell me that in fact this was a large budget film, then obviously most, if not all of the cash was spent on old tranny hookers and mountains of cocaine, perhaps enough mind altering drugs to make a pièce of crap like this seem plausible. Maybe they had the same dealers as the director of Pluto Nash. Yes, I went there.
I thought that we had long since nailed shut the possibility box in which films of this poor a calibre could be made. What frightens me most of all is that the cast is rather A list(ish). Fine, it’s more of a B list cast but still, in a movie so strikingly T class, the fit is all wrong. I don’t think I have properly conveyed to you, my adoring audience, just how inconceivably horrific this movie is. On every level, cinematography, props, lighting, narrative progression, dead Buddha the acting was so bad that had I seen it in a high school play I would be remiss not to walk out in protest. There are more characters than one can care about. The mythology is so poorly explained that it is in no way immersive. The genetic determinism makes the protagonist feel pompous and downright silly. I have seen better action scenes in porn, and I am not kidding, just take a look at “Pirates I” and “Pirates II”. For the first fifteen minutes of the movie I thought they were intentionally being shite, you know, in an ironic kind of way. Low and behold, it was just a legitimately horrific movie. In fact, it makes every cheesy Dolph Lungren, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal movie look like a the love child of Darren Aronofsky and Stanley Kubrick.
Every element of the story has more holes in it than a six year old boy who got caught in a gang related drive-by. I would go through all of them but I am scared my fingers might lock up as a result of the strain. There is no justifiable reason to watch this movie lest you intend to use it to weed people out of your life. If you know anyone who has seen this movie and thinks that, as a serious action movie, it rocked their socks off; then do me and the entire human race a kind favour and stab them in their reproductive organs for we cannot let them breed. In dare say we need to take a more militant stand against this film, and others of its kin. If you see it on any person’s computer, delete it. If you see it at a DVD Rental establishment, burn down the building (what, they have insurance). I don’t know how clearer I can be about the awfulness of this movie. If people start watching this movie just to see if it is as bad as I say it is then I may have to plunge upon my sword and plead that the world may forgive me my transgression.
