The Smurfs

The great question is, am I going to hate myself for reviewing this movie, and the answer, most likely. I had to actively hide my glee when seeing the trailer, because sight of a guy with a beard yelling “yay Smurfs” may put people on paedophile alert. And I wear glasses, so it’s a triple threat. The fact that I was wearing a trench coat was purely accidental.  You see, I, like many of my generation, still look back with powerful nostalgia on the days of Gummy Bears (which still rock I will have you know) and Anamaniacs (which still makes me laugh)

So, let me take a look and see what all the fuss is about.

Right. So now that I have sat though the movie, I am left with a resounding sensation that I suppose may be compared to enjoyment. I mean, sure I laughed at times. Yes Gargamel was very well portrayed with the classic slap-stick humour that would appeal to children, the obvious target audience. It’s not as though the incorporation of classic rock did not help with the nostalgia. Despite my extremely jaded soul, there is something beautiful about Grumpy Smurf’s sexual infatuation with a plushy M&M doll. I must admit, what was once a set of cute and adorable fictional characters from my past (that did far too often bear the brunt of Rule 34), have now become frighteningly creepy. Aside from being devoid of a chin or any proper lower jaw, the realistic skin texture just made them too real.  They looked more like little blue German molester pimps with a disturbingly cheerful disposition, and the seemingly preternatural ability to not get hurt when falling down from extreme heights. It seems to me that humans are one of the only animals that don’t do so well with landing. 

The problem with trying to review this movie is that I am not too sure what to say. Like many children’s movies it is stuffed with more violence than one should feel comfortable with, but as long as the guy getting hurts looks funny, then it’s all okay.  And it comfortably crawls into the comfortable niche of nostalgic recreations, were, and this scares me, the kids who watched this show when it first came out now have kids of their own to show this to. And from that perspective, this movie makes sense. Why not share an enjoyable nostalgic moment with this thing you have made, who insists on eating all your food. This is not for the fans of yester year, purely (I mean as far as I can remember it seems to hold up to the cannon, but who cares really, unless you take Rule 34 a bit too far and paint your groin a friendly shade of blue, give it a blond wig and a dress, then make it throw up). It’s for the kids of today, and gives us a moment to feel like the kids we used to be, but with booze, casual sex and a driver’s licences. 


PS: Let it be know that were I a man who enjoyed the company of other men, but whilst being naked,  Neil Patrick Harris would be int he top three of my To-Nail-List. Just in case you were unsure.