Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Hop
Step Up 3
Monday, July 9, 2012
Booty Pop
Sucker Punch
The Smurfs
PS: Let it be know that were I a man who enjoyed the company of other men, but whilst being naked, Neil Patrick Harris would be int he top three of my To-Nail-List. Just in case you were unsure.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Your Highness

The way this movie does not go out of its way to take itself too seriously, with the type of anal retentively that would make it able to swallow coal and pass diamonds, in fact makes it more relatable. If I killed my first monitor, who tried to rape my friend, I too would wear its cock as trophy. I mean, would you mess with a guy wearing a monitor’s cock. I did not think so. It’s the kind of movie that makes me wish I could play Oblivion multiplayer, with a friend, and get drunk, and do manly stuff, with our huge muscles and long swords…
WIKI
Rotten Tomatoes
Friday, February 17, 2012
Just Go With it

Some movies are painful to watch, this is one of those movies. This is one of those movies that mistakes the audiences discomfort with humor. I think I have chuckled twice, and that’s being generous. I was less uncomfortable when I watched Aron Ralston (James Franco) cut his own arm off in 127 Hours. I am not the type of person who walks out of a movie theater before the movie finishes, it’s like throwing away money, or shooting your own Thai slave-boy in-between the legs. If I were not forced to review this movie I would leave and slowly claw away at my own skin until I pass out from the pain. Some movies are poorly written, some are badly directed or have an ill use of the budget, hell their acting may be terrible, but this movie is not bad as much as it make me feel bad for watching it. There are so many clichés, too many uncomfortable moments, and the ending is so painfully obvious it makes watching the rest of the movie awkward. The little girls painfully poor British accent actually made me gag. Besides, who would decide that a spar day with your new boyfriend’s soon to be ex-wife is good idea. If I were Adam Sander’s character I would check her inner thighs for scars because she displays obvious masochistic tendencies. I’m not sure if that makes her more or less hot. Fine, a hulla dance off is an interesting change, especially if it ends in someone clenching a coconut with their but cheeks.
The events of this movie revolve around an elaborate lie told by Adam Sandler’s character to a cool hot 23 year old he meets at a party, about why he has a wedding ring. Now the real reason is a genuine tear jerker. Twenty years ago, about an hour before he is meant get married he finds out his wife has been cheating on him and still intends to. Come now, have you ever heard a better story upon which to base a sympathy screw. Why he has to keep making up a fake wife is beyond me. Let’s not forget the fact that if pretending he is married gets him allot of under the cover action, what does this movie say about women, that they run around trying to make married men feel better with the super healing vagina powers. Actually I rather like the imagery. Still, if he had been honest with the hot chick whose boat he rocked on the beach, she would have a) understood, b) found him more appealing dew to his anguish ridden past, c) he would have had good and meaningful relationship with a hot young girl that would have lasted all of a week. If you actually think about it, if you spend an entire weekend creating a fake life and identity and then expecting them to honestly have feelings for you, then castration should be implemented forthwith. I have been in relationships with people who have based parts of the relationship on a lie, especially about their past, and when the truth came to light, the pain was excruciating. Had she been honest, no matter how bad the past may have been, the relationship would have been so much better, and may not have ended in such a way that LED me to drink myself into the hospital. Oh wait, then ending, this ham handed attempt to tote the power of honesty is about as satisfying and climactic as trying to bed a beached whale while downing Serotonin-reuptake- inhibitors and blood pressure medication. For those of you who don’t get the joke, those are the kind of pills you give your daughter’s boyfriend to prevent them from pitching a tent, building the skyscraper, raising the flag, getting wood, having not-just-a-stiff-upper-lip, getting a hard-on... I’m running out of ideas here so add some more in the comment section.
This movie sucks so much it does not even deserve an obviously homosexual reference. The worst thing is, Adam Sandler in Funny People made fun of himself for continuously making crappy movies, and yet he goes out makes more of them. Maybe he wants us not to watch them, maybe he wants to go the way of Pauly Shore and be booed into obscurity. To think, I used to love his movies, but then again that was before my testicles descended
Catwoman

Now I am going to try and get through this review without any gratuitous “cat” jokes, but no promises.
Even though people use comic books as the source of parody, they in fact have moments of sheer poetic genius. Now because I have had the luxury of enjoying the witty banter from the likes of Deadpool, I found the mid fight scene dialogue in this movie is painful and embarrassing. If you look closely you can in fact see how much it pains the actors to force those lines out of their mouths. I have heard more authentically delivered lines in pornography. I think Hale Barry was more comfortable topless on the set of Sword Fish, than deliver some of these lines. Before I continue I would like to point out now, this movie does present feminism and female empowerment as criminal, but only because men don’t allow women to steal pretty things they like. I wish that was a facetious take on the event of the movie, or even a disproportionate representation of the main character, but it’s not. Don’t worry I will go into further depth to prove my point.
The movie starts with as much subtle foreshadowing as a jackhammer on a pregnant woman’s stomach. Don’t get me started on the whiney protagonist who has the audacity to complain about having a job drawing advertisements for a cosmetic company, instead of being an “artist”. I have many friends with art degrees who would give a good chunk of their genital organs to land a steady pay check like that. So this lady finds out that if the company’s new face cream, is not used anymore, makes you face so grotesque that even Hannibal Lecture would not eat your cheeks. They shoot, she runs down a poop shaft and gets flushed out of the picture, or so they think. Low and behold, the counsel of cuddly house cats unites to give her new life and super powers. Oh how proud and majestic they looked, Midnight, Moonshine, Fluffy and Fuzzy Paws. The result is that she gets then loses the guy, loses her job and becomes a thief, hisses at dogs, and becomes a wanted criminal would eventually shacks up with a billionaire with a bat fetish. This is because of, well in the movie anyway, a dissociative personality disorder that makes her a masculine douche, but with tits in tight leather and acrobatic super skills. If this movie is in any way trying to empower women, then why dis bitch be crazy. No really, this lady is legit crazy. I mean Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns is more of the Schizophrenic crazy, the battle with sanity, desire and overall manic split in affect, in conclusion, hotness. However, this Catwoman’s sharp flip flopping without a natural progression, which gives the impression of an alien consciousness consuming her instead of a tangled web of hidden drives exploding uninhibited onto the surface. Let us not forget that she prevents a company from bringing out a product that gives women granite strong skin. Yes, if you stopped using the cream it would make you look like Machete but hey, nothing awesome is for free these days. This would end all violence against women. If fact. It could have been the next step in our evolution. Think about it, no scrapes, cuts or bruises.
You know what. I am going to cop out of continuing to review this movie. It’s not good, don’t watch it. It’s silly. The plot is thin. The conclusion is obvious. There is no tangible dramatic tension. I am over it. The worst thing is, I really liked the Catwoman character. To think, I used to pleasure myself to images of cat woman and Hale Berry, but together, epic failure.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Rango

Before I review this movie I have to warn you, I am going to be really nice to this movie. I know it’s not as much fun. Hush now, I tell you, oh how I wanted to not like this movie. I was quite content to despise it as a film that tried too hard. I was sure I was going to when not five minutes into the movie there was ‘Fear in Los Vegas’ reference. But in fact the movie is quite good, easily bordering of fantastic. The characters in the film are well animated and brimming with charm. The animals effortlessly fitted each individual’s personality.
Now the story. The introduction of a lonely protagonist, without an identity, who constantly changes in his solitude, makes for an interesting point of departure for character progression. It poses the question as to who are we if no one perceives us. Can a man alone have an identity? When Rango has to face the weight of his own personal fable, he realises that by living the construct, he has in fact manifested it and becomes more than the story.
The movie is filled with small homages to other movies, such as a scene with a bit of banjo Wagner for the ‘Apocalypse Now’ reference. In general, the movie does not come across as thought it was written for children, which does not surprise me seeing as it is a Nickelodeon film. I am convinced that all Nickelodeon shows are written for the ill-mined parents of delinquent children. Besides, how many kids would recognise Hunter S. Thompson or appreciate that Clint Eastwood is the spirit of the west. I would try and make a joke out of it, but he’s so cool. So I can’t. Besides, seeing as Rango is an actor, it would make sense that to him the spirit would be an actor.
As a purely western film, the movie has all the elements needed to make an epic tail, but this one adds to it the breaking of the forth wall and a strange awareness of its own genre. It even takes a stance of self-reflection alongside the audience with a classic Greek Theatrical element of a choir, who speaks to the audiences and answers questions them may have about the events in the story. The fact that they are a Mexican band adds to the flavour and humour of the film. Combine that with a few surreal moments in the film, it culminates in an immersive tail.
With regards to the review, to quote the late and sublime Bill Hicks, “Don’t worry, funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later.”
IMDb
Wiki
Rotten Tomatoes